i let the fear control me

i let the fear control me. i let it control what i say and what i do. i let it control what i think about, how i feel. and so it commands my thoughts and actions. it commands my feelings, and it makes me fly out of control.

truth? i’m scared. really scared. there’s lots of new things ahead, and sometimes i’d way rather just stay holed up in a closet than to have to face the real world. i don’t want to fail, that’s the big thing. i don’t want to be the one who everyone looks down their nose on because i’m a failure, because i’m stupid. and so sometimes i’m just a huge nervous wreck, worried about things that i can’t control. and i think: can i really survive out in the real world? can i really survive in an environment that i can’t control?

i like being in control. i like it when everything works out my way in that perfect fashion that i’ve figured out in my head. but that’s not real life. people don’t follow a script; life isn’t a book written by me where i know that my character’s really actually not going to look totally stupid in front of everyone. and, i mean, if she does, it’ll all turn out alright in the end. because it’s a book.

so... what happens if i fail? i mean, honestly? what happens if all my worst fears come true? what if everything i’m so worked up about actually happened?

...

you know...? i actually almost think it’d be better than what i’m putting myself through right now. i might fail. but maybe that’s okay. maybe i don’t have to know everything, don’t have to be perfect. maybe i can give the wrong answers, and it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. maybe i can look like a total klutz in front of everyone, but it’ll still be ok.

when we became Christians, God did not want us to stay in bondage. God set us free.

“But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 4:9 - 5:1

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

“In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.” Ephesians 3:12

i like this one a lot, too - “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.” Galatians 5:13

i like that last one a lot, because a lot of times, i feel like if i was to be free, then i’d just sin again. so it’s almost like i’m punishing myself, all the time. but God wants us to be free in Him, free to do His commands and love others. but He doesn’t want us to use our freedom to just go back to your sin.

and here’s my favorite - “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2

God has set us free. but if you’re like me, we’re too busy thinking about all of our flaws, all of the what ifs, all of the bad stuff that could happen, and at least for me... i forget that God has a plan for my life, that i was born for a reason. it might not be the reason that i think. but there is a reason. and even if i think i fail in everything that i thought it was supposed to do, it just might open the doors for exactly what He wants me to do.

so i don’t have to strive. i can still work hard, still push towards goals. but if i don’t achieve my goals? instead of worrying about not achieving what i want, instead of worrying about what might happen, what i might do, i’m going to do my best, and trust in God’s timing. trust in God’s plan. and for me? that’s pretty hard. but i’m going to try, with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

and when i’m in anguish, because my fears have come true? then here’s another of my favorites -

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.” Psalm 118:5

God can set me free from failure. God can set me free from fear. God has set me free.

living in freedom,
anna