Hello

Hello.

To say I haven't posted on here in over a year makes me feel as if I must be lying. It literally seems like almost yesterday that I was sitting in front of my screen typing out my thoughts. As a good friend pointed out to me recently, time certainly flies.

I feel like I have changed a lot since I was last on here. I feel like I have grown and lived through things that are sometimes hard to describe. Life's like that, sometimes. You go through things that sometimes you don't want to relive. And other times you live though things that you can't help but replay over and over in your mind.

I do know one thing, though. God's been with me through all of it, even in the times that I wish I never had to remember.

I've go to admit - I don't like change. I don't like having my world thrown upside down. Because, in all honesty, I like to control things. That's often not a very good thing, because the truth is? I can basically control nothing. But the thing that I can control is myself, and often, that's the one thing that I don't want to control. But what I've begun to come to terms with recently is this: it's okay that I'm not in control of the world or my surroundings.

Cue gasping from all Type-A Personalities.

(Don't worry, that includes me.)

But it really is okay. Because God is in control. And while I don't see the big picture or always understand God's answers to my prayers - which, sometimes, might be just be no - I do know that God is good. He knows what's best for me, what will change me and grow me into the person He wants me to be. And it might not be what I think is best for me, but I have a very limited view of everything. God doesn't.

I have a struggled a lot with fear and stress in my life. Am I going to fail? Am I going to succeed? What's going to happen?! But the reality is, having fear in my life shows a lack of trust in God. I hate admitting that, but it's true. I realize that I haven't been fulling relying on God.

I listened to a sermon awhile back in which a story was told. You may have heard it before - I believe I might have before I first heard this sermon. Either way, the story goes something like this. (Sorry if I botch the details a little.) The scene is Niagara Falls. A man has stretched a tightrope across the waters and is at one side by a group of people. He asks the people if they believe that he can make it across and back safely. They all give a resounding yes. The man then successfully goes across and back on the rope. The man then asks if the people believe he can make it across with a wheelbarrow. They cry yes. The man then successfully goes across and back with the wheelbarrow on the rope. The man then asks if the people believe he can make it across with someone in the wheelbarrow. They again give their assent. But then he asks who will volunteer to ride in the wheelbarrow.

No one says anything.

The pastor in the sermon explained that this is the difference between belief and trust. All of the people believed that the man could make it across, but when they were actually forced to trust their life to the man, they faltered.

This story helped me to realize that I actually haven't been fully trusting God. A lot of my life, actually, has been filled with me being absolutely consumed by my own fear. But I realize that even when fear courses through my body and rages like a poison through my mind, I need to put everything into perspective. I need to disengage from the beast that seems to control me and remind myself - it's okay. God's here with me. No matter what, He loves me and will not leave me.

I don't have it all figured out. But I'm working on it. I want to trust God. With everything within me, I want that. And that's why, when I'm scared, I remind myself - God is in control. Because I want my faith to go beyond just belief into true trust.

I know it's hard, when fear is plaguing you. Trust me, fear has attacked me for a long time now in more ways that I can count. But just remind yourself of who God is. Allow yourself to fully put your life in God's hands. And remember - even if all of your worst fears come true, God is still King, and He loves you dearly. Trust Him.

God bless,
Anna

goodbye

when i last saw her
i didn’t realize
that this
this would be
the last time
that i would
see her
alive
i didn’t realize
that i wouldn’t see her
in just a few days
just like i always did
just like i always had

i was blissfully unaware
that morning
my door burst open
and it would never
be the same
“she’s dead”
the words that came
out of her mouth
made my mind revolt

this wasn’t real
this wasn’t reality!
i couldn’t comprehend
what i was being told
we had known each other
for years
she was one of my first friends
here in this strange
new place

even as i sat there
i couldn’t help but think
“this isn’t real
this isn’t happening”
but it was
it is
this was my reality

no
it wasn’t true
it hadn’t happened
it was someone else!
they were lying!

“i just saw her
the other day”
i whispered
tears of confusion
and anger
and pain
streaming down
my face

“she can’t be dead!
she’s not dead!
it’s not real!
it’s not real!”

i rocked
back and forth
convinced
that i was right -
she was not dead
they were lying
she was there -
somewhere

it was impossible
i had just seen her
she was just there
she could not just be gone
in the blink
of an eye

i knew her so well
and suddenly
when i thought of her name
there was this space
this emptiness
because she was gone

“no!”
but yes
she was
she was gone
“no!
it’s not real!
it’s not real!”

and then there
i was standing
in front of the casket
and i looked
but i couldn’t believe it
no
that couldn’t
be her
she couldn’t
be in there
and it lowered
into the ground
and it was covered
with dirt
no
it couldn’t be real
but it was

and i sobbed
i sobbed
harder and harder
and when i thought
i was done
i kept on sobbing

she was gone

no!
it’s not real!

she was dead

no!
it’s not true!

she had left this world
and gone to another
a much, much better
place

no
no

she’s gone
she’s dead
and yet
she’s more alive
than i am

she’s gone
she’s alive
she has gone
to sit
at the feet of Jesus
and she is perfectly
completely
fulfilled

this is true
this is real
and while i may not
understand now
this is part
of the plan

she doesn’t have to know
the pain
the sorrow
the evilness
of this world
any longer

she is with her Father
she is complete

goodbye
for now

be held

i try to control things in my life. i want to control the outcome of everything - how people see me, how i do in life, and what i'm going to do. i don't like unknown variables. i like everything perfectly in order. because that's when it feels safe. and i can relax. and i don't have to stress. and i don't have to worry that something's going to happen that's going to drastically change my life for the worst.

there's this song that's by casting crowns. it's called "just be held." every time i hear that song, i just find myself relaxing. just the idea of letting go of having to control everything, and just be... held. safe in my Father's arms. i'm the type of person who feels like if something doesn't turn out how i wanted it to, i must've done something wrong. maybe i didn't practice enough, or study enough, or do enough. whatever happens, it's up to me.

but i'm reminded that "...it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." - ephesians 2:8-9 i can't force God to love me - He already does. and i can't force other people to love me, or like me, or even tolerate me. i can't do everything perfect all the time, or succeed in everything, or do the best in everything. and i don't have to.

i always feel like i have to, though. that i have to be the best in everything.

why?

i don't know. i just have this feeling of having to be perfect. because if i'm not perfect, it's probably something about me that's terrible. and horrible. and stupid. something that i could change, but don't. and every time i fail, it's like i'm reminded - "you're terrible. and horrible. and stupid."

and the thing is, i am terrible. i am a sinner, and i deserve to die. but God offers me grace, and if i receive that grace and repent from my sins and believe in my heart that God raised Jesus from the dead and confess from my thought this truth (romans 10:9), i will be saved. and i am saved.

the reality of it all is... i'm not perfect. i can't get it right all the time. and while i can't do that, it doesn't mean i have the excuse to give up or just be lazy. it makes i work hard, but sometimes i won't get what i want. and i can't control it. and i don't have to.

God has plans for all our lives. sometimes we strive and worry and freak out because we're trying to make things happen in our own power. but it's okay. God's got it under control. you do your best to follow God and do what He's asking you to, you'll get where you're supposed to go. but don't worry or stress about making it onto that team or getting into that group or meeting those people. God's got plans. if you're supposed to be on that team, get in that group, or meet those people, it'll happen. but worrying and trying to control it will just bring pain and misery for yourself. trust me. i've been there. more than i'd like to admit.

sometimes God just wants us to let go. let go of everything - all the stress, all the worry, all of the pain, all of the control. just give them to Him. and let Him handle it. trust Him, follow Him, be seeking Him, but leave all of that other gunk behind. and just let go, and be held.

remember - you're a princess. you're the beloved daughter of THE KING. just let yourself be held.

be a hero,
anna

the past

i stand here

and i realize

it’s over

it’ll never be back

what’s done is done

it can’t be changed

the shock

it overwhelms me

takes over my body

and i sit

on the cold, hard ground

it can’t

it can’t be

i’m not done

i’m not ready to be done

i’m not willing for it to be done

but it is

and i can’t control it

the tears

they’re there

but i force them back

push them down

because if i start?

i might never stop

i can’t think about all of this

all of the implications

i’ll never see them again

they won’t be here again

this moment will never happen again

these memories will fade

and be nothing but whispers

of the wind on a cold night

whistling through the mountaintops

brushing past the leaves of the trees

and skimming across the waters of the seas

i’m not ready

not ready to face reality

not ready to face the world

and yet that’s what’s here

right here

in my face

pulling me forward

pushing me off the cliff

but will i fly?

or will i fall?

i grasp beyond me

i grasp at the past

but it slips through my fingers

like the sifting sands

it runs through my hands

like the rushing rivers

and i cry out

but it doesn’t stop

i can’t stop it

i can’t control it

and i fear

i can’t control everything

i can’t stop everything

i can’t bring people back

or make my memories my true reality

but what i can do?

is stop

is look up

is trust

is say,

“God, i know You’re there

i know You’re watching

and i know You have plans

i don’t know what they are

i don’t know when they will happen

but i know they’re there

so i’m going to trust

even when i’m crying

even when i can’t understand

even when i’m in denial

for i know that You love me

i love you, too”

things happen

people come

people go

things change

but God is always there

and He always loves you.

//

learning to trust,

anna

two negatives make a positive

Hey, guys. I know I haven't been on here in a long time. Life's been absolutely crazy. It's like every time I stop doing something, my brain's just racing with - okay, so what are you supposed to be doing? It always seems like I finish one thing, and then I'm off to the next thing. Sometimes the speed of life almost seems suffocating.

And in the midst of everything that I have to get done, I find myself feeling like I have time for nothing. And suddenly everything in my life isn't what it used to be - you know, reading, writing stories, blogging. Also, part of the reason I haven't blogged lately, is that I feel I have nothing to say. And I hate writing when I know that I have nothing that I'm actually trying to say. But, I guess, now I do.

I'm going to switch a little bit from everything that's going on in my life and discuss something that's kind of personal to me. I find in my life that I'm really swayed by everything out there. Not just the movies and the books and websites and whatever, but by the people that I find in my life all the time. I see these people, every day, and after awhile, they start to rub off on me. I've always kind of noticed that if I spend a lot of time around a person, I start talking like them. But what about when my attitude becomes like them?

We live in a rather negative society. We complain about school, about our lots in life, about our family, about our friends, and, let's be honest, about the kind of cereal we eat in the morning and how we don't have enough clothes. To keep it simple, we complain about just about everything. We're always looking to blame somebody for anything that happens to us.

I started realizing in my own life just how much all of this negative behavior was affecting my life, and I didn't like it. This wasn't how I wanted to be. This wasn't caring for people, doing something to brighten their day. Instead, I was taking away the light from other peoples' day. And I wanted to stop it.

The reality is, we all have sin natures. We can't totally take all things negative out of our lives. But we can work our hardest to have positive attitudes, no matter what.

So how did I decide to just magically become positive? Well, I didn't magically decide to do so. It first starts with a conscious effort. When you start to think of something that's complaining, you just have to bite your tongue. If somebody says something negative, instead of joining in the negativity by agreeing, you can come back with some positive. And I've always found that one of the best ways to stay positive is.... dun dun dun! Compliment somebody. You like their shirt? Let them know. They look nice today? Say so. You have no idea how much just simply complimenting somebody makes their day. I know it makes mine every time. And you'll be surprised about how much more positive you yourself feel when you give positivity to others.

But other than combating negativity, making a conscious effort, and complimenting people, even just smiling at others can make their - and your - day more positive. And if somebody looks bothered, ask them how their doing. By caring for others and focusing on helping them, you'll find that both of your days are more positive.

Okay, so, two negatives don't really seem to make a positive in the real world - not that math isn't a in the real world, just... never mind... - but two positives definitely does.

So when you feel that complaint ready to roll off your tongue, or chime in with agreement at someone's griping, stop yourself and instead say, "I'm glad there's science, because we can use it to understand the world." (Or...you know, something positive - and relevant - about whatever negative thing they were talking about.)

And trust me, it's not easy. I'm definitely not positive all the time. But I want to try and be more positive. It makes a difference, and people will be able to tell that there's something different about you. I want to glorify God and care for other people. And having a positive attitude helps me to do that.

God bless!

Be positive,
Anna

P.S. What's something positive about your day?

what am i thankful for?

the other day, a friend and i went to watch "the hunger games: mockingjay part 2". (yes, this post might contain spoilers... ;)) during the movie, you just watch all of this destruction, all of this...death. i felt like someone was dying like every five seconds. (not in actuality, but pretty close...) when one of the mainish characters die (any guesses??), it's kind of horrific, in my personal opinion. not just that the person dies, which is terrible in itself, but the way that they die. it's just...horrible. and you can just see their face, moments before they die. they sacrificed themselves so that everyone else could get away. and i felt fear. what if that happened to me?

i feel fear. kind of a lot. mostly "i'm-going-puke-and-probably-die" fear. but in those kind of fear situations, it's like i know i'm going to make it out on the other side. i'm super scared about whatever it is, but i know it'll eventually be over. but this fear wasn't like that. this fear was deep-seated, deep-down inside of my soul. it was a fear that was out of control and raging.

and then i stopped.

wait.

i don't have to be afraid.

i have a God who is mightier than anything there ever was. He will always be with me. and even if i die, even if i die in that horrific way? i know where i'm going. i know what i believe. and i know who my God is. He is the God of the universe, the Creator of the world, my Lord and Savior. and even if i die, that is not the end of my life, for i will go to be with my God for all eternity. and i don't have to be afraid.

so, what am i thankful for this Thanksgiving? a million things - my family, my friends, my life. i am thankful for all of the things that i have been blessed with, all the people i've have the privilege to meet, all of the things i've been able to learn.

but most of all? i am thankful for my God.

have a blessed Thanksgiving.

be a hero,
anna

it's hard to be honest

i know that sometimes it’s really hard to be honest about ourselves, what’s going on inside of us, especially when you feel like you have to be perfect - or something - to be liked. we’re afraid of what our friends will think, what our family will think, even what perfect strangers and others out in our towns and communities will think. we’re afraid that if people knew what the real us was - that person that, in our eyes, is just average, nothing amazing, nothing great, seemingly nothing even worthwhile - that they wouldn’t want to be around us. they’d look at us differently, like we’re some weird, evil, strange bug that should be squashed.

i don’t like to be honest. sometimes it’s hard to be honest even with myself, because i try and push everything about myself that i hate way far back in my subconscious, so that i don’t have to deal with it. i push it so far back that maybe, just for a little while, i can forget about it. like it never even happened. like i’m a normal human being. someone with family and friends who love them.

i hide a lot of things, and sometimes not too well. people can tell i’m being bothered, but they don’t know by what. and i don’t want to tell them, i don’t want them to know. because if they did, then they wouldn’t want to be around me anymore. because if they knew the real me, they wouldn’t care about me anymore. at least, that’s what i’ve told myself. those are the words that are whispered around in my mind, disguised in my own voice.

but you know what? if people won’t stick by you when they find out that you have problems, when they find out that you ’ve sinned, that you’ve done dumb stuff in the past and that you’re not some perfect person with all the answers... then maybe they weren’t your real friends in the first place. and even if there’s no one out there who’s willing to admit that yeah, they have problems, too, then i guess that’s just their problem. even if no one’s seemingly still there, there’s still One who’s always going to be there, right beside you. God’s not going to leave you because you have problems or you’ve sinned or whatever. God knows about each and every one of those things that you try to forget about. 

and He loves you anyway.

Jesus came to this world to die for every imperfect soul that ever existed. and that’s all of us. God demonstrated His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (from Romans 5:8) God loves all of us so much that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life. (from John 3:16) even when no one else loves us, even if our mother and father forsake us (from Psalm 27:10), God will receive us. 

God loves us. God cares about us. God will never leave us. and He already knows everything about you that you’ve tried to hide. He already knows every single sin and imperfection. and He loves us. He loves us.

He loves us.

and you know how we all hold onto our sins and our mistakes and everything, letting them weigh us down until we’re dragged down to the depths, seemingly to never return? we don’t have to let that happen. In Romans 8:1, it says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” no condemnation. we are no longer condemned.

we. are. free.

so even though we have weird and strange things about us, or have we have sins that we’re hiding from the past, or we have things that bother us today that we don’t want to tell anybody about because we’re afraid they’ll judge us... even if people do judge, even if people do abandon us, if you are a Christian, God will never abandon you. and believe me, i know all about weird and strange things, and past sins, and stuff bothering me today. because i have all of that, and more. i’ve had depression and compulsion and lies that i believed about myself and still believe and i have fear and... and so many other things. and i still have some of those things, and i’m still dealing with them. and even though i don’t usually love myself? God still loves me.

i’m writing a book. it’s slow, because i’m busy, and i barely feel like i ever have time to write. but i’ve been thinking, and slowly, something’s coming out of it. each of this kids... they each have a story, and they each have a problem. and each of their problems have been something that i have either dealt with, am dealing with, or both. which kind of makes this book really personal for me. even if nobody else ever reads this book, even if it stays hidden on my computer, it doesn’t matter, because to me, it means something. to me, it’s a way to speak truth into my own life. i know truth. i know lots of truth. but i tend to want to ignore, because it doesn’t seem real to me. well, it is real. i know it is. and it’s time i start to take ahold of that some for myself. it’s a time for me to start rejecting lies and bringing truth. it’s a time for me to say, “yes, this is the truth, and those are lies.”

in the Bible, it says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23) if you are a Christian, you have eternal life awaiting you. it always says, “That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” (Romans 10:9-10) if you do that, then you’ll be a Christian, and you’ll receive God’s gift - eternal life in Jesus.

the truth is, God loves all of us more than we can fathom. but will we love Him?

be a hero,

anna

p.s. thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. i love reading your thoughts and hearing what you have to say. your voices are important to me. if you ever need me to pray for anything for any of you, please let me know.

i am a bully

i stare at myself in the mirror, that horrible reflection staring back at me. those eyes, those lips, that nose, those ears, that hair... who could love this person? this ugly, ugly person? i’m plain. i’m average. i’m nothing. who could love me with these eyes, these lips, this nose, these ears, this hair... who could love me for me? for what i truly look like?

no one, that’s who.

my eyes stray towards the counter, where i’ve put them. they sit there, tempting me. “if you use me, you will be beautiful, and people will like you. if you use me, people will love you.”

i glance around guiltily. then, on an impulse, i snatch them. i pull the brush out of the tube and start applying the mascara to my eyes. i grab the concealer to cover my face. i grab the lipstick and cover my dull lips. and i stare at myself. that’s better. but is it enough?

before i know it, i’m back here again. i stare at myself, mascara on my eyes, concealer on my face, lipstick on my lips. i stare, that horrible, ugly face staring back at me. “you’re ugly.” i grab more, put more on, thinking, “maybe this time, this time i’ll be beautiful. this time i’ll be satisfied. this time, people will love me.”

i suppose that’ll do for now. i stop, and turn away.

i stare at myself in the mirror. there’s no makeup. there’s just me. and i’m ugly. my eyes stare at me, full of tears. my lips quiver.

“i’m ugly. you’re ugly. you’re horrible. you’re unlovable.”

people don’t know what i really look like, let alone what i’m really like. all they hear are those jokes that i’ve crafted to make them laugh, make them smile, make them like me. all they see is me trying to be nice so that they’ll think i’m a nice person and like me. all they see is this lie of a person that i’ve created, so that people will like me. they see someone who’s strong, who doesn’t need other people. who’s independent, who has lots of friends. but the real me? that’s not me.

the real me is scared - scared of being alone. the real me has quirks - strange quirks. the real me likes to talk about a variety things that aren’t always just fun and funny. the real me likes to be honest. the real me has problems that the real me doesn’t even like to talk about. the real me fears that it is stupid and a failure. the real me is emotional. the real me carries weights - a lot of weights, weights that most people don’t even know about.

if someone knew the real me, then they wouldn’t want to. no one would want to care about me enough to realize that i have faults and problems, just like them. and to accept that.

so i have to be perfect. fun. funny. nice. i have to be beautiful. smart. athletic. i have to be everything that makes someone likable, so that i won’t be alone. so that i will be loved.

i have to be something more.

“you’re a bully.”

when my friend told me that, i gave them a look. what was running through my mind was, “um... no i’m not.”

that’s when they followed it up with, “you’re being a bully to yourself.”

i knew what they meant the first time, but i still didn’t want to accept it.

i said something like, “so-and-so, i don’t bully myself.”

“yes, you do,” they replied. “didn’t you just hear yourself?”

the words that i’d said a few moments before came back into my mind - “i’m ugly.”

i gave them a look. “that’s just what people say.”

“that’s being a bully,” they pointed out. “don’t bully yourself.”

their words stuck with me. was i being a bully? was i really bullying myself? i mean, i’ve read plenty of books. the bullies are always the mean kids who make the main character’s life miserable. they steal lunch money, beat kids up, and get them in trouble with the authorities. but me? i wasn’t a bully.

...or was i?

physical bullying isn’t the only kind. there’s always verbal bullying. and while it might not seem as painful on the outside, it can be. whenever someone says something unkind to me, whether or not they don’t think it’s a big deal, it’s a big deal to me. those words just keep on hitting me, like waves of failure, beating against me again and again.

if those people think that about me, then... then is that what i am? they see me from the outside; i only see myself internally. so is that what i really am? stupid? a failure? ugly? i mean, if that’s what i’m really like... no one will ever like me. love me. i’ll be alone forever. i hate being alone. even just knowing there’s someone else nearby is comforting.

soon these words - these lies - they become so much engrained in my brain that they came out in my own voice. “anna, you’re stupid. you didn’t know that. see? they knew that. the fact that you didn’t means that you’re just stupid.” “anna, you didn’t do that perfectly? they did. you know what that means? you’re a failure. a worthless failure.” “anna, didn’t you hear them? they said the other person looks pretty, and didn’t say anything to you. that means that you’re ugly. you’re ugly and unlovable.”

and pretty soon? i’m sitting there, telling myself these things, and feeling myself sinking, lower and lower. they thought i was ugly? gotta be prettier. they treated me like i was stupid? i’ve got to become smarter. they acted like i was a failure? i better make sure i’m never ever again a failure, even if it means i don’t try things i really want to just because i’m sure i’m going to fail - and that’s not an option.

and when i fail, time and time again? “anna, you’re just horrible.” “anna, you’re just a failure, just like always.” “anna, everyone hates you.”

and pretty soon, i just don’t want to go on.

i didn’t want to admit to my friend that i was a bully. i didn’t want to admit to myself that i was a bully. it was unhealthy, and my friend saw that and called me out on it. and yet i didn’t want to engage. because the alternative didn’t seem like an option. but the thing is? the alternative is actually the truth. God’s setting-free truth.

so what?

so what if i fail? so what if i’m ugly? so what if i’m stupid?

so what?

if people aren’t willing to spend time with you because you’re not the best-looking person ever or because you don’t always succeed or because you’re not the smartest person out there, then they’re not your true friends.

when someone told me that, i looked at them and said, “then i’ll be all alone.”

and you know what they did?

they laughed, smiled, and replied, “God’s always there, anna. you’re never alone.”

and you know what? they were right.

a lot of you guys probably know the verse that goes, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.” (Psalm 27:10) i don’t know about you guys, but my family’s my strongest confidant on most things. but even if they reject me, God’s going to be there for me. so i will never be alone.

i will never be alone.

trying to bully yourself into perfection, into something unattainable... like my friend saw, like i realized - it’s unhealthy. it’s bad. it can even be dangerous. and it’s just plain mean, just like every other bully there ever was.

so even when i want to “joke” - which i’m pretty all of us know that when we do that we actually mean it, just a little - something negative about myself, i want to stop myself. i want to stop myself and think, “i am God’s child. i am loved. i am beautifully and wonderfully made.” and instead of being a bully to myself? i want to be a friend.

be a friend,
anna

the story in italics was partly fictional, but some of the feelings were real. also, some of the conversations i was trying to quote might not have been totally exact, but i tried to keep the heart and meaning of them.

i let the fear control me

i let the fear control me. i let it control what i say and what i do. i let it control what i think about, how i feel. and so it commands my thoughts and actions. it commands my feelings, and it makes me fly out of control.

truth? i’m scared. really scared. there’s lots of new things ahead, and sometimes i’d way rather just stay holed up in a closet than to have to face the real world. i don’t want to fail, that’s the big thing. i don’t want to be the one who everyone looks down their nose on because i’m a failure, because i’m stupid. and so sometimes i’m just a huge nervous wreck, worried about things that i can’t control. and i think: can i really survive out in the real world? can i really survive in an environment that i can’t control?

i like being in control. i like it when everything works out my way in that perfect fashion that i’ve figured out in my head. but that’s not real life. people don’t follow a script; life isn’t a book written by me where i know that my character’s really actually not going to look totally stupid in front of everyone. and, i mean, if she does, it’ll all turn out alright in the end. because it’s a book.

so... what happens if i fail? i mean, honestly? what happens if all my worst fears come true? what if everything i’m so worked up about actually happened?

...

you know...? i actually almost think it’d be better than what i’m putting myself through right now. i might fail. but maybe that’s okay. maybe i don’t have to know everything, don’t have to be perfect. maybe i can give the wrong answers, and it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. maybe i can look like a total klutz in front of everyone, but it’ll still be ok.

when we became Christians, God did not want us to stay in bondage. God set us free.

“But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 4:9 - 5:1

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

“In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.” Ephesians 3:12

i like this one a lot, too - “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.” Galatians 5:13

i like that last one a lot, because a lot of times, i feel like if i was to be free, then i’d just sin again. so it’s almost like i’m punishing myself, all the time. but God wants us to be free in Him, free to do His commands and love others. but He doesn’t want us to use our freedom to just go back to your sin.

and here’s my favorite - “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2

God has set us free. but if you’re like me, we’re too busy thinking about all of our flaws, all of the what ifs, all of the bad stuff that could happen, and at least for me... i forget that God has a plan for my life, that i was born for a reason. it might not be the reason that i think. but there is a reason. and even if i think i fail in everything that i thought it was supposed to do, it just might open the doors for exactly what He wants me to do.

so i don’t have to strive. i can still work hard, still push towards goals. but if i don’t achieve my goals? instead of worrying about not achieving what i want, instead of worrying about what might happen, what i might do, i’m going to do my best, and trust in God’s timing. trust in God’s plan. and for me? that’s pretty hard. but i’m going to try, with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

and when i’m in anguish, because my fears have come true? then here’s another of my favorites -

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.” Psalm 118:5

God can set me free from failure. God can set me free from fear. God has set me free.

living in freedom,
anna

where have i been?

 i walk out my door, closing it softly behind me. i lean up against the peeling white paint, tilting my head up towards the sky. the clouds glow in shades of pink and color, blue and purple, gray and black. birds sing like a choir, trilling happily at their lives. the insects hum, a low sound that vibrates in my soul. the trees sway slightly in the mild wind, and i stand there, and i think...

...where have i been?

i step out of my house, and suddenly, i stop. i laugh almost unbelievingly, and then walk over towards the edge of the forest. could it be? were we already here? but there they were, those bushes of thorns, rising up around the trees, little blossoms peeking out, ready for life to begin. it seemed only yesterday that they were dead, waiting for the storms to pass, waiting for the time when life was to again take hold. and yet, here they were, blooming again. and i think...

...where have i been?

i step outside of my house, heading towards the garage. darkness surrounds me, and i stumble on the rocks. then i pause, glancing up a the sky. my keys jingle in my hand, reminding me of my journey. reminding me of the reason i left my home in the first place. but something keeps me there, staring up at the sky. to me, it’s not just black - it’s a palette of dark blue and gray and charcoal. and then, bursting forth, are the millions of stars, stretched out like a diamond necklace across the sky. the moon shines like a single lone pearl, peeking through the willowy clouds. and i think...

...where have i been?

this is it. this is the day. my schedule is cleared. my work is done. i grab my camera, slip on my shoes, and head out the door. the sun beats down on my forehead, and beads of perspiration start to form on my hairline. but that doesn’t stop me. i walk through the grass, nearly up to my waist, the blades brushing against my jeans and tickling my sandaled feet. i sink down, my eyes surveying the scene before me from a different view. and i smile, and think...

...where have i been?

i don’t know where i used to be, but now?

i’m here.

\\

the grass is turning greener, the air is turning warmer, the sky is turning bluer... summer’s almost here. it seems like only yesterday you always had to take a coat everywhere and we were all wishing it was summer so we could see our friends again. and now? it’s here. i honestly can’t believe that we’ve reached the middle [pretty much] of 2015. we’re in the sixth month out of twelve. i guess i never thought that time could travel this fast, and yet not seem fast enough. strange, isn’t it?

let’s go out and enjoy.

be a hero,
anna

p.s. random: i’m trying a recipe with ginger in it tonight. guess we’ll see how that goes... ;)