i try to control things in my life. i want to control the outcome of everything - how people see me, how i do in life, and what i'm going to do. i don't like unknown variables. i like everything perfectly in order. because that's when it feels safe. and i can relax. and i don't have to stress. and i don't have to worry that something's going to happen that's going to drastically change my life for the worst.
there's this song that's by casting crowns. it's called "just be held." every time i hear that song, i just find myself relaxing. just the idea of letting go of having to control everything, and just be... held. safe in my Father's arms. i'm the type of person who feels like if something doesn't turn out how i wanted it to, i must've done something wrong. maybe i didn't practice enough, or study enough, or do enough. whatever happens, it's up to me.
but i'm reminded that "...it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." - ephesians 2:8-9 i can't force God to love me - He already does. and i can't force other people to love me, or like me, or even tolerate me. i can't do everything perfect all the time, or succeed in everything, or do the best in everything. and i don't have to.
i always feel like i have to, though. that i have to be the best in everything.
why?
i don't know. i just have this feeling of having to be perfect. because if i'm not perfect, it's probably something about me that's terrible. and horrible. and stupid. something that i could change, but don't. and every time i fail, it's like i'm reminded - "you're terrible. and horrible. and stupid."
and the thing is, i am terrible. i am a sinner, and i deserve to die. but God offers me grace, and if i receive that grace and repent from my sins and believe in my heart that God raised Jesus from the dead and confess from my thought this truth (romans 10:9), i will be saved. and i am saved.
the reality of it all is... i'm not perfect. i can't get it right all the time. and while i can't do that, it doesn't mean i have the excuse to give up or just be lazy. it makes i work hard, but sometimes i won't get what i want. and i can't control it. and i don't have to.
God has plans for all our lives. sometimes we strive and worry and freak out because we're trying to make things happen in our own power. but it's okay. God's got it under control. you do your best to follow God and do what He's asking you to, you'll get where you're supposed to go. but don't worry or stress about making it onto that team or getting into that group or meeting those people. God's got plans. if you're supposed to be on that team, get in that group, or meet those people, it'll happen. but worrying and trying to control it will just bring pain and misery for yourself. trust me. i've been there. more than i'd like to admit.
sometimes God just wants us to let go. let go of everything - all the stress, all the worry, all of the pain, all of the control. just give them to Him. and let Him handle it. trust Him, follow Him, be seeking Him, but leave all of that other gunk behind. and just let go, and be held.
remember - you're a princess. you're the beloved daughter of THE KING. just let yourself be held.
be a hero,
anna
