Hello.
To say I haven't posted on here in over a year makes me feel as if I must be lying. It literally seems like almost yesterday that I was sitting in front of my screen typing out my thoughts. As a good friend pointed out to me recently, time certainly flies.
I feel like I have changed a lot since I was last on here. I feel like I have grown and lived through things that are sometimes hard to describe. Life's like that, sometimes. You go through things that sometimes you don't want to relive. And other times you live though things that you can't help but replay over and over in your mind.
I do know one thing, though. God's been with me through all of it, even in the times that I wish I never had to remember.
I've go to admit - I don't like change. I don't like having my world thrown upside down. Because, in all honesty, I like to control things. That's often not a very good thing, because the truth is? I can basically control nothing. But the thing that I can control is myself, and often, that's the one thing that I don't want to control. But what I've begun to come to terms with recently is this: it's okay that I'm not in control of the world or my surroundings.
Cue gasping from all Type-A Personalities.
(Don't worry, that includes me.)
But it really is okay. Because God is in control. And while I don't see the big picture or always understand God's answers to my prayers - which, sometimes, might be just be no - I do know that God is good. He knows what's best for me, what will change me and grow me into the person He wants me to be. And it might not be what I think is best for me, but I have a very limited view of everything. God doesn't.
I have a struggled a lot with fear and stress in my life. Am I going to fail? Am I going to succeed? What's going to happen?! But the reality is, having fear in my life shows a lack of trust in God. I hate admitting that, but it's true. I realize that I haven't been fulling relying on God.
I listened to a sermon awhile back in which a story was told. You may have heard it before - I believe I might have before I first heard this sermon. Either way, the story goes something like this. (Sorry if I botch the details a little.) The scene is Niagara Falls. A man has stretched a tightrope across the waters and is at one side by a group of people. He asks the people if they believe that he can make it across and back safely. They all give a resounding yes. The man then successfully goes across and back on the rope. The man then asks if the people believe he can make it across with a wheelbarrow. They cry yes. The man then successfully goes across and back with the wheelbarrow on the rope. The man then asks if the people believe he can make it across with someone in the wheelbarrow. They again give their assent. But then he asks who will volunteer to ride in the wheelbarrow.
No one says anything.
The pastor in the sermon explained that this is the difference between belief and trust. All of the people believed that the man could make it across, but when they were actually forced to trust their life to the man, they faltered.
This story helped me to realize that I actually haven't been fully trusting God. A lot of my life, actually, has been filled with me being absolutely consumed by my own fear. But I realize that even when fear courses through my body and rages like a poison through my mind, I need to put everything into perspective. I need to disengage from the beast that seems to control me and remind myself - it's okay. God's here with me. No matter what, He loves me and will not leave me.
I don't have it all figured out. But I'm working on it. I want to trust God. With everything within me, I want that. And that's why, when I'm scared, I remind myself - God is in control. Because I want my faith to go beyond just belief into true trust.
I know it's hard, when fear is plaguing you. Trust me, fear has attacked me for a long time now in more ways that I can count. But just remind yourself of who God is. Allow yourself to fully put your life in God's hands. And remember - even if all of your worst fears come true, God is still King, and He loves you dearly. Trust Him.
God bless,
Anna