the past

i stand here

and i realize

it’s over

it’ll never be back

what’s done is done

it can’t be changed

the shock

it overwhelms me

takes over my body

and i sit

on the cold, hard ground

it can’t

it can’t be

i’m not done

i’m not ready to be done

i’m not willing for it to be done

but it is

and i can’t control it

the tears

they’re there

but i force them back

push them down

because if i start?

i might never stop

i can’t think about all of this

all of the implications

i’ll never see them again

they won’t be here again

this moment will never happen again

these memories will fade

and be nothing but whispers

of the wind on a cold night

whistling through the mountaintops

brushing past the leaves of the trees

and skimming across the waters of the seas

i’m not ready

not ready to face reality

not ready to face the world

and yet that’s what’s here

right here

in my face

pulling me forward

pushing me off the cliff

but will i fly?

or will i fall?

i grasp beyond me

i grasp at the past

but it slips through my fingers

like the sifting sands

it runs through my hands

like the rushing rivers

and i cry out

but it doesn’t stop

i can’t stop it

i can’t control it

and i fear

i can’t control everything

i can’t stop everything

i can’t bring people back

or make my memories my true reality

but what i can do?

is stop

is look up

is trust

is say,

“God, i know You’re there

i know You’re watching

and i know You have plans

i don’t know what they are

i don’t know when they will happen

but i know they’re there

so i’m going to trust

even when i’m crying

even when i can’t understand

even when i’m in denial

for i know that You love me

i love you, too”

things happen

people come

people go

things change

but God is always there

and He always loves you.

//

learning to trust,

anna