it's hard to be honest

i know that sometimes it’s really hard to be honest about ourselves, what’s going on inside of us, especially when you feel like you have to be perfect - or something - to be liked. we’re afraid of what our friends will think, what our family will think, even what perfect strangers and others out in our towns and communities will think. we’re afraid that if people knew what the real us was - that person that, in our eyes, is just average, nothing amazing, nothing great, seemingly nothing even worthwhile - that they wouldn’t want to be around us. they’d look at us differently, like we’re some weird, evil, strange bug that should be squashed.

i don’t like to be honest. sometimes it’s hard to be honest even with myself, because i try and push everything about myself that i hate way far back in my subconscious, so that i don’t have to deal with it. i push it so far back that maybe, just for a little while, i can forget about it. like it never even happened. like i’m a normal human being. someone with family and friends who love them.

i hide a lot of things, and sometimes not too well. people can tell i’m being bothered, but they don’t know by what. and i don’t want to tell them, i don’t want them to know. because if they did, then they wouldn’t want to be around me anymore. because if they knew the real me, they wouldn’t care about me anymore. at least, that’s what i’ve told myself. those are the words that are whispered around in my mind, disguised in my own voice.

but you know what? if people won’t stick by you when they find out that you have problems, when they find out that you ’ve sinned, that you’ve done dumb stuff in the past and that you’re not some perfect person with all the answers... then maybe they weren’t your real friends in the first place. and even if there’s no one out there who’s willing to admit that yeah, they have problems, too, then i guess that’s just their problem. even if no one’s seemingly still there, there’s still One who’s always going to be there, right beside you. God’s not going to leave you because you have problems or you’ve sinned or whatever. God knows about each and every one of those things that you try to forget about. 

and He loves you anyway.

Jesus came to this world to die for every imperfect soul that ever existed. and that’s all of us. God demonstrated His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (from Romans 5:8) God loves all of us so much that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life. (from John 3:16) even when no one else loves us, even if our mother and father forsake us (from Psalm 27:10), God will receive us. 

God loves us. God cares about us. God will never leave us. and He already knows everything about you that you’ve tried to hide. He already knows every single sin and imperfection. and He loves us. He loves us.

He loves us.

and you know how we all hold onto our sins and our mistakes and everything, letting them weigh us down until we’re dragged down to the depths, seemingly to never return? we don’t have to let that happen. In Romans 8:1, it says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” no condemnation. we are no longer condemned.

we. are. free.

so even though we have weird and strange things about us, or have we have sins that we’re hiding from the past, or we have things that bother us today that we don’t want to tell anybody about because we’re afraid they’ll judge us... even if people do judge, even if people do abandon us, if you are a Christian, God will never abandon you. and believe me, i know all about weird and strange things, and past sins, and stuff bothering me today. because i have all of that, and more. i’ve had depression and compulsion and lies that i believed about myself and still believe and i have fear and... and so many other things. and i still have some of those things, and i’m still dealing with them. and even though i don’t usually love myself? God still loves me.

i’m writing a book. it’s slow, because i’m busy, and i barely feel like i ever have time to write. but i’ve been thinking, and slowly, something’s coming out of it. each of this kids... they each have a story, and they each have a problem. and each of their problems have been something that i have either dealt with, am dealing with, or both. which kind of makes this book really personal for me. even if nobody else ever reads this book, even if it stays hidden on my computer, it doesn’t matter, because to me, it means something. to me, it’s a way to speak truth into my own life. i know truth. i know lots of truth. but i tend to want to ignore, because it doesn’t seem real to me. well, it is real. i know it is. and it’s time i start to take ahold of that some for myself. it’s a time for me to start rejecting lies and bringing truth. it’s a time for me to say, “yes, this is the truth, and those are lies.”

in the Bible, it says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23) if you are a Christian, you have eternal life awaiting you. it always says, “That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” (Romans 10:9-10) if you do that, then you’ll be a Christian, and you’ll receive God’s gift - eternal life in Jesus.

the truth is, God loves all of us more than we can fathom. but will we love Him?

be a hero,

anna

p.s. thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. i love reading your thoughts and hearing what you have to say. your voices are important to me. if you ever need me to pray for anything for any of you, please let me know.