I've been through a lot lately

I've been going through a lot lately. It's... really hard. It's a battle inside myself and yet things around me, things that I can't control, some of them pretty scary, are happening, too. I can feel the battle going on. I can feel it. It's tough.

I told you my dad has cancer. He's been going through treatments and such ever since like May. Now we just found out he has this clot thing in his lungs, and we don't know if he can have his surgery when we planned. We don't know when he can have it. We don't know if he's going to die tomorrow or today or when. (Not that any of us know when we're going to die.)

It's kind of scary. I've been dealing with a lot of sins that I just feel like are trying to drag me down and kill me in the depths. And yet this thing with my dad is happening, too. Sometimes I just feel like collapsing, crying, yelling, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Sometimes I just feel like I can't. I can't take all of this sin around me and in me. I can't take all of these horrible things that are happening to me and people that I love. I just can't take it. It's like, what's the point? This is just awful. I just want it to end.

I guess that's what's strange about trials and things. We don't think they're ever going to end. I don't feel like mine are. I feel like I'm wallowing in my past sins and I just want to get out. I'm not the same anymore, and yet I'm feeling the punishment of it all weighing down on me like a heavy stone. Like a millstone wrapped around my neck. Suddenly lyrics of songs, Bible passages... it's all making sense. And I keep on hearing the same thing.

"I'm here."

I should know, of all people, what it's like to just feel like giving up... forever. And the fact is, God is always there. Always. Always, always, always. I know it's scary. I know it's tough. I know you sometimes just feel like you'd rather be dead and just have it over with. You just feel like you can't take it anymore. You just feel like this is going to go on forever and you'll never be able to have fun again, you'll never be able to be bored again, you'll never be able to do anything good again.

I still haven't found the end of my trials and the things around me. But I'm trusting in the One who knows all and sees all and knows what's going to happen to me and when and if all of this is going to end. So I'm trusting. I don't know what's going to happen, but please just pray for me. It's tough. I just want to give up. But I'm hoping that there's still a sunrise waiting for me...

21 comments:

  1. There's always a sunrise, Anna. Always. I'm so glad that you've realized God is always with you. I'll be praying for you and your family. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anna, I'll be praying for you and your family. <3 Just trust in God. He's always there for you even when you feel he's not. --Danielle

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my...SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We <3 u:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. We are here too Anna. Just keep thinking, "I can do this, we can do this, He is here". There will be a sunrise, the sun always comes up after dusk.

    <3 Praying for you

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry. I'll definitely be praying.
    I find it so beautiful that even though you're going through so much and you talk about it, you end the post with hope, courage, and trust in God. Hang in there. <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just hold on to hope. Sometimes we are faced with what seems to be unbareable trials, but God is there. I just want to let you know that your dad has been in my prayer journal for the last couple of months and I will continue to pray for him and you. I know life gets hard...I know that sometimes we feel like giving up. Believe me I know. I've had my share of hard times, but I've learned that if we keep our faith, our trust, and our hope in Christ he'll bring us through the storms of life! Keep looking towards the sunrise Anna. It will come. It always does! Love you and praying for you daily. Thank you for sharing what's on your heart =) Keep strong in the Lord!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, I am so sorry! (come on brain, there's got to be another word) That sounds excrutiating :( I commend you for sticking it out (I guess you don't have much of a choice, but...) and trusting in God. Okay, that sounded really cheesy, but I mean it! I'll be praying sooo hard!!
    Christina the weird

    ReplyDelete
  8. Will be praying for you! I certainly know what it's like to be in deep dark waters and not see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! It's very scary!!!

    <3

    ~Jamie

    ReplyDelete
  9. Praying for you, anna! and there is a sunrise, my mom read book to my siblings and i recently called A Door In The Wall. It's an encouraging book that happens in the middle ages. This kid can't walk, but during his adventure, he learns there is always a door in the wall. no matter what happens to you, God will always help you through it! :) Saying a prayer for you and your family now!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh, Anna...It's always darkest before dawn. I'm sure God has something wonderful planned for you. Just keep holding on. <3
    I'll be praying.

    xoxo,
    Jessie

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'll be praying for you and your family Anna. <3

    Love,
    Hannah

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'll continue praying for y'all. Know that we here love you, and we're here for you. I'm glad you were able to let this out. I thought immediately of "Sunrise" by Brandon Heath when I saw the end of your post. :) If you haven't heard it, you should give it a listen. We all have our dark times. I've been through stuff. Love you :) <3
    *hugs and hugs and hugs*
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'll be praying for you & your family, Anna. God's right by your side...

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey, Anna, guess what? There IS a sunrise coming for you. And mesa is praying for you. Is it odd to say I feel proud of you?
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  15. I know how you feel. I went through the same thing kind of. Except it was my great grandma and not my dad. I am defiantly praying for you. God is ALWAYS watching over you. You have a million people in this world who love you. Weird to think about huh? Whenever I feel sad I always think of this. I hope it makes you feel better too. Think of a HUGE storm. I mean HUGE! Thunder and lighting. Hail even! There is ALWAYS a rainbow after it. I always put that into my own life. Whenever I am going through something really hard, there is LAWYS something good at the end of it all waiting for me. Well this is getting long so I should let ya go. I love you very much dear. God does too. Don't ever doubt him.

    - Aimee

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am so sorry, Anna. Just know that God is with you at all times, and that all of us are right here if you ever need someone to talk to. Love you <3

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. May His Holy Spirit bring you comfort and peace. I am so very sorry.
    Love,
    Michaela

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm sorry Anna, I know how you feel <3 I love you girl, and I want you to know that I'm praying for you and your family. God IS always there and He will provide! <3

    ~ Jessica

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh my. I cannot even begin to understand how your feeling, but I can say this, God is with you. Even if your dad does go to be with Jesus, hopefully, he will leave an impact on everyone, and even your self. a 10 year old girl at our church died of Leukemia last month, and her life impacted so many, and even lead some to Christ. Fix your eyes on Him. He has already planned your future. He will help you get through everything. *everything*. don't forget that.
    Aaliyah

    ReplyDelete

be nice ∞ be kind ∞ be a hero