I've been through a lot lately

I've been going through a lot lately. It's... really hard. It's a battle inside myself and yet things around me, things that I can't control, some of them pretty scary, are happening, too. I can feel the battle going on. I can feel it. It's tough.

I told you my dad has cancer. He's been going through treatments and such ever since like May. Now we just found out he has this clot thing in his lungs, and we don't know if he can have his surgery when we planned. We don't know when he can have it. We don't know if he's going to die tomorrow or today or when. (Not that any of us know when we're going to die.)

It's kind of scary. I've been dealing with a lot of sins that I just feel like are trying to drag me down and kill me in the depths. And yet this thing with my dad is happening, too. Sometimes I just feel like collapsing, crying, yelling, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Sometimes I just feel like I can't. I can't take all of this sin around me and in me. I can't take all of these horrible things that are happening to me and people that I love. I just can't take it. It's like, what's the point? This is just awful. I just want it to end.

I guess that's what's strange about trials and things. We don't think they're ever going to end. I don't feel like mine are. I feel like I'm wallowing in my past sins and I just want to get out. I'm not the same anymore, and yet I'm feeling the punishment of it all weighing down on me like a heavy stone. Like a millstone wrapped around my neck. Suddenly lyrics of songs, Bible passages... it's all making sense. And I keep on hearing the same thing.

"I'm here."

I should know, of all people, what it's like to just feel like giving up... forever. And the fact is, God is always there. Always. Always, always, always. I know it's scary. I know it's tough. I know you sometimes just feel like you'd rather be dead and just have it over with. You just feel like you can't take it anymore. You just feel like this is going to go on forever and you'll never be able to have fun again, you'll never be able to be bored again, you'll never be able to do anything good again.

I still haven't found the end of my trials and the things around me. But I'm trusting in the One who knows all and sees all and knows what's going to happen to me and when and if all of this is going to end. So I'm trusting. I don't know what's going to happen, but please just pray for me. It's tough. I just want to give up. But I'm hoping that there's still a sunrise waiting for me...