Depression


I was reading a post the other day about how somebody was depressed and they just didn't know how to go on like that. So I decided that I would share my own little story with my own bout of depression.

I'm just going to say that if you've never really been bothered with depression, you really have no idea how horrible it is. I know, because I can remember my thoughts, before I'd gotten depressed. I remember thinking, "Why would somebody want to kill themselves? How could anybody be that depressed?" I ended up talking to an older person that I trusted about my depression, and she asked me, "Have you ever considered suicide?" Thankfully, I was able to answer truthfully, "No."

Instead, I just wanted to run away.

Not for real, you understand. Those were just my feelings. I would never want to kill myself. Instead, my instinct is to take all the things that are important to me and run away, try to make a new start for myself where, maybe, there are people that will care for me.

What on earth brought on my depression? I don't know what it is for everyone, but for me, it was something that might sound rather silly. I've never been anybody's "best" friend. I've had some of the greatest people ever as friends. We can have the greatest times together. We can be really close. But I've never been "best" friends with anyone. I've always imagined that me and my best friend would have like a secret code to leave messages in and secret handshakes and knocks on doors. We could talk freely with each other and be ourselves. We would be so close that when somebody brought up something that they were uncomfortable with, the other person would understand and change.

I didn't really realize what it was at the time. But I felt like I was always striving to be "perfect", but I put it under "being more like Christ". It's true, it's good to learn to be more like Christ. But I was striving so hard to be something that I wasn't that I was being the exact opposite of what I wanted. I thought that everything was my fault. I thought that if I was just nicer, prettier, more funny, something then somebody would want me as their best friend.

As it was, I felt overshadowed by another friend. She seemed so... so... perfect. I wanted to be her so badly. Because of this, every time my mom would point out something that probably wasn't very nice, every time I was corrected, whether it was in school or something I'd pronounced wrong, I felt like they were just pointing out all my faults, just flaunting it in my face about how horrible I was. Like they were waving a best friend in front of my face and then pulling it away just as I reached out, them yelling, "Ha! See?! You're as bad as you thought!" It was horrible. I ended up being even more of a horrible person.

All of these thoughts and feelings brought on depression. I just... I wanted it to go away. I felt horrible. I didn't want to keep on living like this, but I didn't know what to do with it. So I kept on living through it, feeling more and more awful every day. It was like I could just feel how horrible I was and what a sinner I was. I felt like God was the only one who cared about me. The only thing that I was holding onto was the fact that God loved me, that when I died, I knew I was going to be with Him. I felt like that was the one thing that kept me from just drowning in depression.

What brought me back? Well, first off, I know that God was behind it all. He gave me an amazing mom. It had kind of faded off a bit, because I had been doing my usual forget thing. Then something came up. It was another of those correction things. I wasn't being bad, it was just one of those, "Sit up straighter," or, "Don't chew with your mouth open," kind of things. (it wasn't either of those. Just examples.) I just about exploded. At the time, it just seemed so unfair that they could ask me that. Why could they demand that of me?! That was just mean! Horrible! Unfair! Just... just...

Wait, what was it? I found I couldn't name it, you know? I didn't know why I was so angry and mad and crying at the same time. I didn't understand it, it was just happening. My emotions had been kept back for so long, hidden, forgotten, that suddenly I had no idea what they were even. I was so confused and mad and angry and sad and sobbing at the same time.

That's when I had my big meltdown and found out, in a huge sob/yell to myself what it was all about. And suddenly it seemed so clear:

I must be so horrible and awful and everything, because nobody wants me as a best friend.

Every time that somebody had corrected me or anything, I would just feel it pounded down. But then it was out. Out out out. Gone. And I suddenly realized what it was all about. As you can imagine, my mom was a little surprised, too, that this was at the heart of all things. We discussed things that friends had done to me, things that had hurt me. And she told me something that was so so so important for me: "What they do isn't your fault. Everything isn't your fault. You put too much blame on yourself."

That doesn't mean that everything I've done is right. Far from it--I'm a horrible sinner. In fact, I consider myself the worst of all. (Paul in the Bible says he is, but I think I'd beg to differ...) It just means that I shouldn't blame myself for other peoples' actions. I don't know if a best friend is out there for me, but I can still pray for one.

If you feel depressed, I want to encourage you to try and figure out what it is that's behind it all. Tell your parents or some other trusted adult/friend about what you're feeling, and have them help you. Instead of putting yourself down for everything, try to instead separate lies from reality and see what really is you, and change that, and throw away the things that are out of your control.

God loves you. He always will. Even if you reject Him, He will love you to the end of your days. Turn to Him, and I promise you, it will be the best decision of your life. <3

Be a hero,
Anna

P.S. I'm a little scared. I haven't told anybody this, really. At all. So you're reading something special, even if it seems rather strange. God bless you guys. <3 He loves you. Always. <3

10 comments:

  1. thanks for sharing, anna, i love hearing your thoughts. i go through this every so often, also. those moments when there's so much pressure and people seem to be telling me who i should be and who i should not be. and i've still yet to get over this, but i know i can trust in God.

    xx.
    rachel

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  2. Everyone feels the same way, Anna.

    I am feel SOOOOO blessed at the thought that I do know someone who is perfect. Someone who gave Himself, willingly and selflessly, to be beaten and nailed by his hands and feet to a cross ... all for us. He did not have to do that, and if makes my heart ache to think that he did. Simply because he loved us.

    I know times may seem hard, and confusing. And everything just doesn't seem to work.
    I get depressed when I compare myself to others. It is such a struggle for me to take my attention away from myself and focus on serving my creator. But then I get reminded of Jesus, and what he did for me, and I get a peace inside. I know everything will be all right now matter what.


    Know that I am praying for you. :D
    May God Bless you,

    ~Abilaine

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  3. Yeah sometimes I get "mini meltdowns" when I wonder what my point is and...you know. Depressed:(
    But...reading totally helps:)

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  4. This is such a wonderful post that I can totally relate too! Thank you so much for posting Anna. I know it must have been hard to share this. I can so understand how you were feeling because I have often felt the same way! If we lived close I know that we would be "best" friends =)

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  5. Lovely post. ;) For the longest time I would have 'bouts of depression, probably just hormones {I haven't gotten one since March}, but they still really stink. I never considered suicide, either... I was just really unhappy.

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  6. I've stumbled upon this blog, and this is truly something I can relate to. Depression for me was about something else, and I've been long over it, learning to find the silver lining of each day. From my depression, I've had a greater respect for life, and well, every day seems like an amazing gift, where all you have to do is just open it to see what it brings. It's so amazing how God can work in our lives, because I know that when I was about to hit rock-bottom in my depression, he pulled me out of it through some amazing people who told me who my worth was.

    It's not only the depression part that's so relatable. Doesn't everyone want a best friend? I know that feeling. I've written a few blog posts (in a hidden blog) about that feeling of wanting that "best friend" in your life. And I guess what I've come to realize is that because everyone's unique, there's no one person who can be that "best friend". Instead, there are multiple people, each that can relate to you and be your best friend in little bits and parts of you. It's funny because it's during one of those ponderings, and I actually had a meltdown, that the realization (what I just said) came to me.

    I guess now I live for the moment. Not recklessly or without regard for my life, but I take every opportunity and I try to see the beauty in my everyday life.

    God bless and have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening.

    Thanks again for this wonderful post.

    ~LW

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  7. Aww I love this post<3 you are so courageous for sharing this. I'm going to share this on my ministry Facebook page because I think it could help a lot of the people I want to reach out to. (facebook.com/RiseAboveItMissions ,in case you wanted to check it out.)

    I've had my fair share of struggles and they're not easy to talk about but I'm glad you did because they are such an encouragement to others. God bless you! You really are a hero:)

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  8. I know, Anna. It's the same for me. I don't go to school, so I don't have as many options. I've had about three 'best friends' who have all left me. I have one now, but I know it's not going to work out. I can't be me around her. I'm almost me, I'm the most me I've ever been with someone before, but I'm not me.

    I seriously loved a boy one time and I was depressed for an entire year after he proved he wasn't as serious. My grades suffered and so did my life. People use the word depressed so much that they don't understand the meaning. I've been depressed. I still struggle sometimes with depression, but God carries me through it every time. But it's getting harder and harder to let people in.

    Sorry I can't share my name. I've never admitted this before and I still don't want anyone knowing it was me.

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  9. Oh Anna!
    I understand what you're going through! I have been going through depression too! (It is getting a lot better: thanks to The Lord!) but the reason i was in depression, was because my sis was going to college. I mean, you might think that it's just something natural that happens to most people, but it wasn't like that for me. For me, it was losing my best friend, because where we are right now, there isn't really any choices for good, godly friends who can be an influence on me. It also meant losing my role model and mentor. She was everything to me. But since she has been gone for awhile, it is still EXTREMELY painful, but now I've seen that i can look to God to be my best friend and role model. I can also go to my awesome parents that God has given me for a reason.
    I'm praying for you, Anna!
    Love,
    Christy

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  10. Anna,

    This was amazing. And honestly, I am so glad you posted this. It is always good to know that you aren't the only one. Depression is hard... the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The hardest part is having to pull yourself together once you've fallen apart. We'll always be here for you if you want to just talk, even about nothing at all. :)

    I hope you know that, you are an amazing person. Please don't ever change. <3

    Love always,
    Mackenzie

    p.s. ...you've inspired me to write my own post like this one. :)

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be nice ∞ be kind ∞ be a hero