Depression

I was reading a post the other day about how somebody was depressed and they just didn't know how to go on like that. So I decided that I would share my own little story with my own bout of depression.

I'm just going to say that if you've never really been bothered with depression, you really have no idea how horrible it is. I know, because I can remember my thoughts, before I'd gotten depressed. I remember thinking, "Why would somebody want to kill themselves? How could anybody be that depressed?" I ended up talking to an older person that I trusted about my depression, and she asked me, "Have you ever considered suicide?" Thankfully, I was able to answer truthfully, "No."

Instead, I just wanted to run away.

Not for real, you understand. Those were just my feelings. I would never want to kill myself. Instead, my instinct is to take all the things that are important to me and run away, try to make a new start for myself where, maybe, there are people that will care for me.

What on earth brought on my depression? I don't know what it is for everyone, but for me, it was something that might sound rather silly. I've never been anybody's "best" friend. I've had some of the greatest people ever as friends. We can have the greatest times together. We can be really close. But I've never been "best" friends with anyone. I've always imagined that me and my best friend would have like a secret code to leave messages in and secret handshakes and knocks on doors. We could talk freely with each other and be ourselves. We would be so close that when somebody brought up something that they were uncomfortable with, the other person would understand and change.

I didn't really realize what it was at the time. But I felt like I was always striving to be "perfect", but I put it under "being more like Christ". It's true, it's good to learn to be more like Christ. But I was striving so hard to be something that I wasn't that I was being the exact opposite of what I wanted. I thought that everything was my fault. I thought that if I was just nicer, prettier, more funny, something then somebody would want me as their best friend.

As it was, I felt overshadowed by another friend. She seemed so... so... perfect. I wanted to be her so badly. Because of this, every time my mom would point out something that probably wasn't very nice, every time I was corrected, whether it was in school or something I'd pronounced wrong, I felt like they were just pointing out all my faults, just flaunting it in my face about how horrible I was. Like they were waving a best friend in front of my face and then pulling it away just as I reached out, them yelling, "Ha! See?! You're as bad as you thought!" It was horrible. I ended up being even more of a horrible person.

All of these thoughts and feelings brought on depression. I just... I wanted it to go away. I felt horrible. I didn't want to keep on living like this, but I didn't know what to do with it. So I kept on living through it, feeling more and more awful every day. It was like I could just feel how horrible I was and what a sinner I was. I felt like God was the only one who cared about me. The only thing that I was holding onto was the fact that God loved me, that when I died, I knew I was going to be with Him. I felt like that was the one thing that kept me from just drowning in depression.

What brought me back? Well, first off, I know that God was behind it all. He gave me an amazing mom. It had kind of faded off a bit, because I had been doing my usual forget thing. Then something came up. It was another of those correction things. I wasn't being bad, it was just one of those, "Sit up straighter," or, "Don't chew with your mouth open," kind of things. (it wasn't either of those. Just examples.) I just about exploded. At the time, it just seemed so unfair that they could ask me that. Why could they demand that of me?! That was just mean! Horrible! Unfair! Just... just...

Wait, what was it? I found I couldn't name it, you know? I didn't know why I was so angry and mad and crying at the same time. I didn't understand it, it was just happening. My emotions had been kept back for so long, hidden, forgotten, that suddenly I had no idea what they were even. I was so confused and mad and angry and sad and sobbing at the same time.

That's when I had my big meltdown and found out, in a huge sob/yell to myself what it was all about. And suddenly it seemed so clear:

I must be so horrible and awful and everything, because nobody wants me as a best friend.

Every time that somebody had corrected me or anything, I would just feel it pounded down. But then it was out. Out out out. Gone. And I suddenly realized what it was all about. As you can imagine, my mom was a little surprised, too, that this was at the heart of all things. We discussed things that friends had done to me, things that had hurt me. And she told me something that was so so so important for me: "What they do isn't your fault. Everything isn't your fault. You put too much blame on yourself."

That doesn't mean that everything I've done is right. Far from it--I'm a horrible sinner. In fact, I consider myself the worst of all. (Paul in the Bible says he is, but I think I'd beg to differ...) It just means that I shouldn't blame myself for other peoples' actions. I don't know if a best friend is out there for me, but I can still pray for one.

If you feel depressed, I want to encourage you to try and figure out what it is that's behind it all. Tell your parents or some other trusted adult/friend about what you're feeling, and have them help you. Instead of putting yourself down for everything, try to instead separate lies from reality and see what really is you, and change that, and throw away the things that are out of your control.

God loves you. He always will. Even if you reject Him, He will love you to the end of your days. Turn to Him, and I promise you, it will be the best decision of your life. <3

Be a hero,
Anna

P.S. I'm a little scared. I haven't told anybody this, really. At all. So you're reading something special, even if it seems rather strange. God bless you guys. <3 He loves you. Always. <3