sometimes i just wonder "why?"

this should've never happened to me.

i wasn't ready.

if only i had had more time.

if only i had known.

i wasn't ready.

why?

Ever thought those thoughts? Well, I have. When I had my skiing accident, at first I didn't think it was that serious. You know, me just being my old clumsy self. The girl who's always stubbing her toe and cutting her hand. As I sat in the car on the way back to my house, I thought, "Yeah, it kind of hurts, but this is just like my hip, right? It'll get better." If you didn't know, I have an invert in the way I stand (due to the high arches in my feet), and last year I hurt my hip while I was running. Actually, twice. So crutches, you could say, are old friends to me. So when I had my skiing accident, I kind of just thought, "It's one of those things that stupid me does." But now I realize how serious this is. It's pretty unlikely, but still... think about it... I might never be able to run again, to play volleyball, to dance... without that pain... that horrible pain... I'll admit it. The thought scares me. A lot. I feel like I'm too young to have this sort of thing happen to me. And I just think, "I wasn't ready. Not for this." I want to do those things. All my life, I want to do those things. What if I'd only done them earlier? What if this had never happened? What if...?

I've always read those books and watched those movies where the main character blames God for everything that happens to them, always asks, "Why, God? Why?" I used to think, "Sheesh, it's not God's fault." But now I find myself asking the same question.

why?

I'm scared. I have doubts. Fears. Frustrations. What if I can't do what I want to do? I know that there's other ways to bless God and live the life that He's set before me. But I just keep on thinking that I want to do those things and maybe... maybe I can't.

I take comfort in verse 22 from Psalm 55--"Cast your burdens upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will not let the righteous fall." A friend of mine memorized that with me. I'm glad I did. It's helped me a lot. Whenever I'm afraid, whenever I fear, when I lack courage, I think of that verse, and repeat it in my head.

Cast your burdens up on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will not let the righteous fall. Cast your burdens up on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will not let the righteous fall.

You think that memorizing scripture isn't powerful? It is. I don't know what I would've done without God during this situation--through tearing my ACL. As I look back over my life, I can see dozens of times where I'm the type of person where I would just want to give up, if it hadn't been for God. He's always been there for me.

So maybe I'm asking the wrong question.

Instead of why?, why not what do you have for me?

Thank you, Lord, for being with me.

Thanks for coming along for a piece of my heart. <3